08/30/2021 04:39 PM 

Nf

Co-Workers/friends: How are you today?

Me: Kind of tired and in pain.

Co-Workers/friends: It's always something with you. 🙄

Mind: I guess I'll just say I'm fine.
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As somebody who is chronically ill, yes there is always something wrong with me. So sorry for being honest and telling you how I really feel. I thought that friends and co-workers were supposed to be there for eachother. Let me explain a little bit about what I go through on a daily basis.

I have a genetic condition that causes tumors to grow anywhere on my entire nervous system. You may not think that's pretty intense but go google search images of your nervous system and just look at how many nerves are actually in your body.

Having the condition I have makes me more susceptible to getting cancer. And I had to get my first mammogram at 30 years old instead of 40 because I'm more likely to get cancer.

My condition causes a lot of learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, ADHD, it can create OCD because of the ADHD.

It can cause me to go deaf and blind. Which already my sight is really bad I'm lucky enough that I don't have any tumors on my eyes yet but I am losing my vision quickly. Luckily it hasn't changed in a few years so I think it's finally leveling out but it was scary losing my vision so rapidly.

 Because the tumors are on my nerves I'm constantly in pain no matter how much pain medicine I take.

I suffered severe childhood trauma growing up. I wasn't abused or anything but trauma can be more than just abuse. The day I was born I was taken away from my biological mother. At two weeks old I was rushed into emergency surgery to save my life. I would've died without that surgery. They gave my birth mom a chance to take care of me and she neglected me so badly that when they did a wellness check on me my diaper was so full it looked like it had not been changed in 24 hours. I was put into foster care until I was three years old. I was adopted into an amazing family and then my  mom, grandma, best friend, bunny, and cat all  died when I was 11 years old. That's a lot for a child to take in. 

I have major stomach problems because of my genetic disorder.

I have  anxiety attacks so severe that it triggers my asthma and sometimes I end up in the hospital.

my depression is so bad that I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I'm working through them but I'm not OK right now. I haven't been since the beginning of August. I've been really f***ing struggling. I've lost a lot of friendships because of my depression and I'm scared that I'm losing more.

i'm afraid to let people in because of things that have happened to me in the past on this site. If I let you in please don't take advantage of that. It's hard for me to trust people and I have social anxiety as well and it's really hard for me to open up to people the way I have been lately. I'm proud of myself for that but I'm also scared because I feel like I'm losing people because of it.

I'm losing myself and I'm scared.  please bear with me while I fight through this darkness right now. I could really use some friends right now 💔 I don't want sympathy and that's not why I'm writing this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me I just want people to understand what I go through on a daily basis. I don't try to push people away but it's my way of protecting myself from losing friends because of all my problems.


I'm not fine 💔


Obviously I'm not a child but this is what the adults go through as well. It also gets worse with age unfortunately.


-Maddy's Writer

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05/27/2020 10:01 PM 

Maddy's Only Hope Part 3

 

Maddy's Only Hope Part 3
The next morning Mark wanted so desperately to check on Maddy but he had Market Grounds watch. Elisabeth knew that her daughter was still in a lot of pain, however she thought it would be a good idea for Maddy to get out and get some fresh air. Walking around would actually be good for her body to heal mentally. Physically it could also help, nothing was broken so moving around would actually help it heal faster. she was a bit worried about the bullet wound. However when Elisabeth asked Maddy if she wanted to come she agreed by nodding her head. "Jim, you're okay with taking Zoe to school today?" The doctor asked gently kissing her husband. He gave an affirmative nod as he returned the kiss and gave a small smile over to his older daughter. Maddy tried to force a smile but it was impossible. Elisabeth took her daughter's arm linking it with her own as they walked toward the market. Elisabeth was looking around at the different fruit and Maddy was just sort of standing there and lost in thought. Maddy looked distraught almost as if she were going to cry.

Mark noticed Maddy and slowly walked over to his girlfriend. "Maddy." He walked a bit closer to her as she looked up at him desperate for him to make her feel safe again. His lips connected with hers and instantly she closed her eyes kissing back. He pulled away slowly and then quickly spoke. Maddy, I'm sorry! I just, I was so worried about you and I missed you so much!" He was afraid the kiss might've been too soon but she wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, resting her head against his chest. A sigh of relief escaping her lips as her tense body relaxed. "Thank you Mark." Her voice was so soft but genuine. He had always had this way of making her feel so safe and that kiss just brought back all those memories. Mark held Maddy close rubbing her back gently. "I get off work soon, if you would like to walk around and talk?" He offered getting a nod in response. "Yes please." She was still pretty shaken up which was totally understandable. Mark knew it might be a while before Maddy felt fully safe inside the walls of Terra Nova again. He was willing to wait as long as it took and do anything he could to help the process.

Elisabeth smile seeing Maddy with Mark, she knew her daughter was in good hands so she decided to head home to put the groceries away before she had to go to work. Taylor also has seen Maddy with Mark and told Reilly to relieve Mark for the day. He could tell that right now she really just needed Mark with her. Reilly did as she was told and Mark thanked her. He linked his arm with Maddy's. Maddy and Mark walked for a bit until they reached and old watch tower. Taylor never had anyone at this post anymore so the two could be alone. Maddy sat next to Mark up in the watch tower and looked down at her hands. Mark placed his hand on hers lovingly. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" His voice soft and comforting. Nervously Maddy nodded squeezing his hand and using a quiet voice she spoke. "I do." Taking a deep breath she began to explain what happened to her back with the Sixers.

"Mira knew I was injured, she actually apologized for it in the rover on the way back to her camp. She laid me down on one of the beds and checked the bullet wound. She said it wasn't that bad but that she had no supplies to take care of it for me. She said she hoped that you guys would find me at times so that I wouldn't get sick or an infection. she also told me that children getting hurt was not part of the plan. Mira knew who my dad was and that's why she took me instead of another kid. when we got back to the camp she told a man by the name of Johnson that she was going to go with the others to get some hunting done so they could eat. Mira told him not to hurt me." Her voice was still so soft and it was obvious how much sh*t she had gone through in that short time. Maddy looked at Mark in tears afraid to go on but she had to. Talking about it would help her be able to heal and honestly Mark was the only one she felt comfortable talking to right now. She loved her parents but they were still trying to process what happened to their daughter. Not that Mark wasn't but right now he was the one that was there for her. Instead of focusing on revenge he was focusing on her solely. "Mira left and Johnson just stared at me with these terrifying eyes. He grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me up pretty roughly. He then threw me down. Next thing I knew he had kicked my rib cage. I begged him to stop and the he kicked my stomach. I was in tears curled up begging him to leave me alone. He started punching at my arms and trying to kick me still. The gripped my wrist and pulled me up again. He was being so creepy. He kept smelling my neck." Tears rolled down her cheeks faster as she looked at her hands now. "He said I deserved what was coming to me. He threw me down once again but this time on to the bed... I was afraid of what he was going to do to me. He told me he would be right back and than I was going to be all his." Her voice cracked remembering just how scared she was in that moment. Taking a shay breath Maddy looked at Mark once again. " The door opened, I was sure it was going to be him… But it was Mira. You should've seen how angry she was. When Johnson walked back in I thought she was going to kill him. She started screaming at him about how she told him not to hurt me... I really don't think she's that bad. She promised me she would take me home in the morning because it was dark and she didn't want to risk running into slashers. That's when I heard your voice and I knew everything was going to be okay again." Maddy leaned into Mark's chest and cried. "You brought me home." Maddy whispered against his chest.

Mark felt rage fill his body as he held his girl friend close and gently. "Maddy, I am so sorry. I let you down, I was not able to protect you." It was clear that Mark felt responsible. He promised Maddy to always protect her and then he would never let anything happen to her. Mark was heartbroken that the girl he loved more than anything had gone through such pain. "Maddy I am so sorry." Mark spoke again but Maddy kissed him to make him stop apologizing. "I love you Mark. None of this is your fault." She promised letting out a sigh. "I guess we should get back. I probably should talk to my parents, I didn't really talk to them last night and I'm sure they're worried. Thank you for letting me talk to you. I feel a little bit better. I feel so safe with you." Maddy smiled a little bit taking his hand as they headed back.

 

 

 

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