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Co-Workers/friends: How are you today?

Me: Kind of tired and in pain.

Co-Workers/friends: It's always something with you. 🙄

Mind: I guess I'll just say I'm fine.
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As somebody who is chronically ill, yes there is always something wrong with me. So sorry for being honest and telling you how I really feel. I thought that friends and co-workers were supposed to be there for eachother. Let me explain a little bit about what I go through on a daily basis.

I have a genetic condition that causes tumors to grow anywhere on my entire nervous system. You may not think that's pretty intense but go google search images of your nervous system and just look at how many nerves are actually in your body.

Having the condition I have makes me more susceptible to getting cancer. And I had to get my first mammogram at 30 years old instead of 40 because I'm more likely to get cancer.

My condition causes a lot of learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, ADHD, it can create OCD because of the ADHD.

It can cause me to go deaf and blind. Which already my sight is really bad I'm lucky enough that I don't have any tumors on my eyes yet but I am losing my vision quickly. Luckily it hasn't changed in a few years so I think it's finally leveling out but it was scary losing my vision so rapidly.

 Because the tumors are on my nerves I'm constantly in pain no matter how much pain medicine I take.

I suffered severe childhood trauma growing up. I wasn't abused or anything but trauma can be more than just abuse. The day I was born I was taken away from my biological mother. At two weeks old I was rushed into emergency surgery to save my life. I would've died without that surgery. They gave my birth mom a chance to take care of me and she neglected me so badly that when they did a wellness check on me my diaper was so full it looked like it had not been changed in 24 hours. I was put into foster care until I was three years old. I was adopted into an amazing family and then my  mom, grandma, best friend, bunny, and cat all  died when I was 11 years old. That's a lot for a child to take in. 

I have major stomach problems because of my genetic disorder.

I have  anxiety attacks so severe that it triggers my asthma and sometimes I end up in the hospital.

my depression is so bad that I've had a lot of suicidal thoughts lately. I'm working through them but I'm not OK right now. I haven't been since the beginning of August. I've been really f***ing struggling. I've lost a lot of friendships because of my depression and I'm scared that I'm losing more.

i'm afraid to let people in because of things that have happened to me in the past on this site. If I let you in please don't take advantage of that. It's hard for me to trust people and I have social anxiety as well and it's really hard for me to open up to people the way I have been lately. I'm proud of myself for that but I'm also scared because I feel like I'm losing people because of it.

I'm losing myself and I'm scared.  please bear with me while I fight through this darkness right now. I could really use some friends right now 💔 I don't want sympathy and that's not why I'm writing this. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me I just want people to understand what I go through on a daily basis. I don't try to push people away but it's my way of protecting myself from losing friends because of all my problems.


I'm not fine 💔


Obviously I'm not a child but this is what the adults go through as well. It also gets worse with age unfortunately.


-Maddy's Writer