Dear Austyn.

Dear Austyn.

One year ago, on December 29th... it was the last time I ever heard from you. It was the last time we ever talked. There was nothing romantic about our last words, no I love yous or I'll miss yous. There wasn't even a goodbye. It was all very casual. You were going to visit your grandparents. I knew I'd hear from you later, I always did. But that time, I didn't.

You just disappeared. And I still haven't recovered.

There were so many things I blamed myself for when you disappeared, things I still blame myself for. I shouldn't, but I do. And that comes from the lack of closure I got when you left. I don't know if you left intentionally or not, and it's so hard trying to accept the fact that I'll never know. I don't believe that I'll never know, I still hope and pray that one day you'll log on and message me like nothing ever happened. That things will go back to the way they were. I still wish for you whenever it's 11:11.

We had so many plans, so many dreams. We had so many shows and movies left to watch. I haven't even continued watch the shows we watched together, so that when you get back, we can pick up where we left off.

But it hurts. A lot. I'd give anything to hear from you again. One last time. Sometimes it gets so bad I hurt myself again, or I stop eating, stop drinking. I want to stop being sad, but the reality is I'll never not be sad now that you're not here. This is one wound that will never heal. You don't just meet someone you feel deep in your bones is your person, your ride or die, the love of your life, and just move on and forget what it's like to love them. You don't move on. You just learn to live with the sadness.

I'll never love again. Not after you. I don't even want to live after you... but here I am. Fighting with myself to keep breathing, holding out on the tiniest thread of hope that you'll come back. Maybe.

You probably won't.

Wherever you are, all I ask is this: when I die, be there. Please. It's the only promise I need you to keep. Don't let me die alone. I'm so scared of dying alone.