The rusted chains holding up the porch swing groaned in protest as Mathias gently rocked back and forth, gaze fixed on The Hanging Road clearly visible in the night sky. Mathias had always likened The Milky Way to a giant crack in space, only ever changing in color depending on how the light of the sun reflected off the swirling gasses and space dust–equally ominous and majestic. Having been raised with both Christian and Traditional teachings, Mathias had never been sure what he believed about the afterlife. Nor had he ever really given it much thought beyond his own selfish desires of not dying anytime soon, but staring up at the mottled band of blues and purples now, he couldn’t help but wonder what existed beyond this life, and where the people he loved had ended up.
The creak of the screen door drew his attention and he looked over at Henry Standing Bear, a man Mathias had known his entire life but had always been at odds with until recently. “May I join you?”
Mathias’s gaze returned to the stars above. “It’s a free country, Standing Bear. At least that’s what they say.”
Unperturbed by Mathias’s usual ambivalence, Henry made his way over, waiting for Mathias to reluctantly make room on the swing. “I think Jules has nearly lulled Nell to sleep.”
“You two didn’t need to stay.”
“A simple ‘thank you’ would suffice,” Henry rebuked without any real annoyance.
Mathias’s only acknowledgement was a slight purse of his lips and pinch of his brow. Silence stretched between them for a long moment before the police chief spoke again. “Seems like we all should have all gotten together before something like death. Maybe having more people around her would have kept her away from the drugs.” Although Henry doubted that, he did not verbalize his disagreement, watching as Mathias pushed his lips out towards the stars above to guide Henry’s gaze there. “Which fork do you think she’ll take?”
Henry considered both the stars and the question for a long moment before answering. “I do not think it matters what I think.”
“Just humor me, Henry. You know I don’t really believe in this sh*t much anyways.”
Henry gave Mathias a reproachful look, knowing the man had far more respect for the beliefs of their people than he was letting on. He turned his attention back to the Milky Way above them. “I would like to believe that even those whose lives were shadowed by darkness are able to walk the long fork to Seana. After Mingan…” Henry’s voice grew thick with emotion and Mathias looked over at the other man with understanding. “I have to believe that he was not forced to walk the suicide road, and I do not believe your sister would suffer it either.”
“I don’t know what I think anymore,” Mathias admitted, eyes lifting once more to the heavens. “When my dad died, I wanted him to take the short fork…or just go straight to Hell altogether. I didn’t care which god was up there or what afterlife existed as long as he got his punishment. But when mom died…I wanted to believe she was headed wherever good people go. Heaven, the camp of the dead… Didn’t matter, as long as she got there.”
Henry waited for him to continue, but Mathias seemed to be stuck on a memory from the past. “What about Kyanna?” He gently prompted.
For several moments Henry wasn't sure Mathias would answer, even though he could see the question twisting in the other man's mind. “I love my sister, I do…but life with her was never easy. The running away, the drugs, getting pregnant and ending up in prison for possession with the intent to distribute,” he scrubbed his hands over his face and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he tried to find the right words. “I’m not sorry for Nell’s life and I would take her in and raise her all over again if I had to, but I never forgave Ky for putting me in the position of having to do it. There’s a part of me that’s pissed that she relapsed and OD’d before I ever got the chance to forgive her. That part of me wants her spirit to suffer–for me, for Nell, for all the sh*t she caused in her life that I had to clean up…but the other part of me just wants her spirit to finally be at peace.”
Guilt and grief coalesced within him, sitting heavy on his heart and choking him with a sudden wave of emotion. He hadn’t cried since he’d found her unresponsive on the bathroom floor, but now the tears were burning his eyes. He pressed his thumbs into the corners, trying desperately to hold them back, but they burst through the dam regardless. He had only ever cried in front of Henry once before. The day Mingan had died; the day everything had changed between them. Their grief had been shared in that moment, but now Mathias was keenly aware that he was the only one breaking down. He couldn’t wipe the tears away fast enough, and Henry’s hand settled on his shoulder to offer solace in the moment.
“I’m so sick of all this sh*t.” His voice sounded as broken as his spirit felt, and he gave in to the tears–letting them course down his face, falling to the ground between his feet as they dripped off his cheeks and chin. “The f***ing poison that’s killing our people–killing my family.”
Henry drew in a deep breath before releasing it slowly. “You and I both want to see the drug trafficking end on the rez–.”
“It isn’t just the f***ing drugs,” Mathias interjected hotly, wiping his face with his sleeve and pushing off the swing to pace the porch in his anger and despair. “It’s all of it! Between the mob bringing in the drugs, The Red Pony poisoning our people with alcohol, and the bleach boys coming in here and raping our women, how am I supposed to do my job? How am I supposed to save anyone?!”
“You cannot save people from themselves,” Henry rose from the swing, stepping into Mathias’s path to stop his pace, forcing the other man to look him in the eye. “All you can do is limit their access. Now that I have control of the casino, there is one less avenue for drugs to be brought onto the rez. Jules knows when to cut someone off at the bar, when to take their keys, and who not to serve, just as I did. Would you rather our people go to another bar where the same considerations would not be given?”
“And what about when Jules leaves and hands the bar off to someone else? You really think she’s gonna stick around the rez for good? Come on, Henry. She may be content now, but the day’s going to come when she’ll want to leave again. You can’t oversee the casino and the bar.”
“While I appreciate the faith you have in myself and Jules to help keep the problems in check, it is also unfair to place that burden on us. It is not lost on me how difficult your job is, and how little support you have, but the problem is bigger than the three of us.”
As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Henry was right. Leaning both hands on the porch rail, Mathias closed his eyes and hung his head, feeling the weight of it all pressing down on him. “Maybe we retired Hector too early.”
“I do not think even the real Hector could have prevented all of this, less so with me acting in his place.” Henry moved closer and placed his hand again on Mathias’s shoulder. “I know it does not seem so right now, but you did not fail her, Mathias.”
“I need to be angry with someone right now, and since she’s not here for me to be mad at…” he let the words hang in the air between them.
“For what it is worth…” Henry paused long enough that Mathias looked over at him in question, finding earnestness in his gaze that was as unsettling as it was comforting. “You are not alone.”
Emotion swelled in Mathias, threatening to make him break down again. “I need to take a walk.” He nodded towards the house. “Can you stick around until I get back? Tell Jules…” he paused, jaw trembling as he thought about his orphaned niece, now completely in his care. “Tell her I can’t thank her enough for helping with Nell.”
Henry nodded, letting his hand slide off Mathias’s shoulder as the other man stepped around him and off the porch.
Mathias was a few yards away before he turned back. “Standing Bear…” He waited for Henry to look at him. “Thank you.”
