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Dear Diary #1 - Heartbreak
I was going to post all of these in one bulletin but I’m going to spread them out.
This one is “an entry made after experiencing heartbreak”
TW: Miscarriage. She’s also pretty depressed and it made me sad writing it.
Dear DiaryAn Entry Made After Experiencing Heartbreak
Dear Diary,
It’s been three days since I lost our baby.
Three horrible, pain filled days.
It feels like all the joy has been pulled from my life, every hour seems to linger for a sorrow-filled eternity. I can’t eat, I barely sleep… I’ve never been so tempted to ask Magnifico to use his magic for me, to take away this pain.
I can’t help but feel I’ve failed, as a wife… as a woman. There’s an emptiness within me that I can’t bear, that threatens to swallow me whole every day while I put on a brave face in front of the people who have faithfully followed us to this island.
Already people have started to tell me that we can try again, that it will happen for us in time. I don’t know what’s worse - the unsolicited sympathy, or the fear that fills me at the thought of going through this heartbreak again.
Magnifico looks at me with such pity. I can see he wants to comfort me, but he’s struggling to find the words, and rather than saying the wrong thing, he remains silent, looking at me with eyes that just break my heart even more than it already was. Each night, he’s held me in his arms as I’ve cried myself to sleep, filled with the guilt of failing him. During the day, he’s thrown himself into continuing to build up the city, the city he intends to make me Queen of, but how am I meant to keep a Kingdom safe when I couldn’t even keep our child safe?
He’s reminded me that this was a pure accident, not something that we had planned for the here and now, and that if we want children, there’s no reason that we can’t have them in future when we choose to, when we’re not in the middle of building a Kingdom from scratch.
But what if we can’t?
What if I can never give him children? He says that doesn’t matter, that he doesn’t need an heir, but what if he changes his mind? What if he decides he wants a child and I can’t give him what he desires? He’s given me so much, what if I can’t even give him this? What if he finds someone new in a decade or so when I fail him? How could I ever continue to be without him? He loves me now, but will his love last if I can’t give him everything that he wants?
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