Sunday morning solo

7:am on a Sunday morning Candice found herself at home Shep by her side as she strolled into her kitchen a sleepy yawn left her lips which she covered with the back of her right hand grabbing the dog food from the the cupboard where it lived she scooped out some breakfast for her little boy speaking in that tone women did while speaking to animals or babies “He’s a good boy! There you go” she had never had to care for something else but herself before and she was proud she was able to do it, It’s the little things in life that she has learned to take as small wins walking over to her coffee pot she set everything up, Coffee would be needed today and lots of it it was her solo Sunday morning therapy session with Dr. Lee she did have some issues she wanted to work through but she didn’t feel much like talking about them, Talking about them and voicing them made them all too real for her and this session they’d be discussing the present, On Sunday’s they always discussed ‘Now’ topics and she didn’t think she could handle this ‘now’ topic.

Outside the office she sighed, Why didn’t this therapist have a life and want to be home at 8am on a Sunday morning? Looking up at the tall building she got a sudden heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach, Dread? Nervous? She didn’t know that was one of the reasons she was here to be able to distinguish what emotions she was feeling and when, Closing yourself off for so long did come with it’s good points but it also didn’t help when you wanted to suddenly feel human again, She took a deep breath forcing the feeling away as she stepped inside heading straight up to the 6th floor where Dr. Lee was stationed the elevator opening into the large and very white waiting room she went to take a seat before the receptionist stopped her “Candice no need to wait you can go right in” she smiled politely the last thing Candice wanted was to go right in she hadn’t even got her head on straight yet but if anyone could make sense of her ranting it was Dr. Lee nodding she headed to her usual room which she had spent many hours in mulling over her feelings more so now that she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol for about a straight month.

Turning the knob on the door she entered the room not saying anything just dropping down on the couch, She lay like she always did when she had something heavy to discuss like it was physically weighing her down and this felt like it was, Half the time she couldn’t breath because this particular problem consumed her, The thing about this problem was she liked the feeling.. Until she thought about it while alone that was when she started to freak out “Candice, Should we begin?” She shook her head her thoughts were all messed up luckily Dr. Lee was a kind man and didn’t rush her “Trapped in your head again?” He asked Candice nodded to this it happened from time to time where she couldn’t voice how she was feeling she was sometimes awkward like that those who were close to her knew this all too well not only wasn’t she very good at reading her own feelings she was often not very good with other people’s either blurting things out at the wrong times and apologising afterwards “Well, Why don’t I ask you questions? That has always helped before hasn’t it?” He offered, He was a small older gentleman with thick glasses and a balding head and the first therapist Candice had actually begun to open up too .

“Okay” she spoke finally although she wasn’t facing Dr. Lee she could hear him shuffle in his seat she knew he would be leaning forward the way he always did when he was just about to get into things “So, You’ve been doing well with not drinking haven’t you? You still sober?” He asked he had asked her to cut down a while ago but she always felt so dependent on it to numb anything she felt that she hadn’t even tried until recently “Yes I am still sober, It f***ing sucks though because I don’t know how to be like this.. all open and vulnerable” a sigh left her “Why do you think you’ve been able to stay off it all this time?” He asked, He knew why but he wanted her to say it she sat up now looking at him “because I’ve been happy” she answered flatly tucking her hair behind her ear he looked at her for move of an explanation “I met someone, They made me happy” he nodded “And this is just one person?” He asked he knew all to well about her sleeping around quite often she nodded “Are we talking about the same person from..” he flicked through his notes he had “November?” She nodded and he smiled “Well that is certainly good news isn’t it, Although I can not condone you being intimate with someone because you’re meant to be sustaining from doing that I am pleased you’ve managed to stick with the one” he cleared his throat “So you are dating him?” Her brow quirked at this sure they had spoke about just seeing each other but they hadn’t labelled anything “No” he shook his head making a note “Why are you writing that down?” He ignored her question “So what are you doing then if not dating? Because you are not seeing anyone else that is dating admit it or not” he told her she sighed but otherwise stayed silent “How do you feel about him, how does he make you feel?” She shook her head “Mute” she said he laughed now shaking his “No, Candice we don’t play talk or mute here remember?” She glanced away rubbing her face frustrated that she wasn’t allowed to do her game here, it had helped her through a lot talk or mute she would play this with John while living with Nik John would know something was up and he’d simply ask talk or mute if she wanted to talk she would if she didn’t she’d say mute and it would be dropped oh how she wish the Doc would drop this “My question still stands” he reminded her “Fine! I like him, like really like him he’s all I think about and when I try not to think about him I end up thinking I should probably go see him, I literally spend all my time with him! He makes me feel like I am finally good enough for someone, like nothing I could do would matter he’d stand by me” she rubbed her face again “But how long can that last? I push people away and self destruct that’s what I do, Sooner or later he’s going to realise what a head case I am and up and leave!” She glanced to the door the feelings overwhelming her that feeling of being suffocated creeping back the Doc gave her a couple of minutes to breath before continuing “How does that make you feel? If he did leave?” He asked waiting for her “terrified, Lost, I don’t know” her gaze was now down on the floor “Why do you think you feel like that?” She knew the answer as well as he did but if she said it now? It was out there and real so she did what she usually did and denied it “I’m not in love” his head tilted “I didn’t say you was” she shook her head “but you implied it didn’t you?” She sighed “I can’t be in love! He doesn’t want a relationship or anything that comes with it, Love is just a stupid emotion that can easy go away with a drink so it can’t be real” she was on a rant now trying to convince herself that she wasn’t in love which was as far away from the truth as possible “I’m not in love” she told him again he held his hands up “okay, but hypothetically would it be so bad if you were in love?” Damn he used the word hypothetically because she could always rationalise her feelings if they were hypothetical “Hypothetically? No it wouldn’t be so bad, it would be scary but I’m sure my hypothetical self could deal with it because she cares that much for him she doesn’t wanna bail so the only other option would be to stick to it and work at it!” She sighed rubbing her eyes now “Times up, You did good”

“Sh*t, I’m in love”

He stood up as she did and he ushered her to the door, Dr. Lee hates going over the allotted time “Yes we can touch on that next week, You’ve opened up and that’s good Candice, Go with it! Have the conversation you’re so scared of having” she was now outside the door his next client walking up “I can’t wait a week Doc, I need to talk about this now!” He shook his head “my next client is here, You can make an appointment for tomorrow if you must” “Doc! I’m in love and I don’t know what to do about it!” His next client walking into the room “Go express it Candice and make an appointment for tomorrow I have others to see” with that he shut the door she had never left this office feeling more unsettled and unsure as she did now “Sh*t!”