Hi my name is Clint!

Well not really but thats at least what you know me as! 

Something thats been on my mind to share because Ive never really told many people is that I used to be an addict. Addiction of choice was any kind of pill that made me not feel anything.

I was on medication years ago that I used to abuse the f*** out of just to see what would happen. I didn't care if I overdosed, I didnt care if I damaged my organs, I just wanted to feel as numb and as less as possible.

Then one day after I had taken three times the prescribed dosage I was laying on my bed waiting to not feel and I looked up on my shelf and saw my sisters crafting knife and began to think of all the different arteries in my body I could cut to end it all and forever feel nothing. And for someone who had spent over a year chasing numbness it was almost weird how much that thought scared the f*** out of me.

I stopped taking my meds after that. Flushed them and just told my mother that I didn't want to take them anymore. The withdrawal period was absolute hell. Mainly because I told no one and did it alone. Id spend nights puking my guts up and then get up the next day and pretend to be fine. Id pass out and lie and say that it was because I hadnt eaten and my blood sugar was low.

After that it was hard for me to even take vitamins. I didn't want to be that person anymore. During my time in the military I took up drinking and after a night of drinking so much I almost fell down the stairs, I realized I was replacing pills with alcohol and I quit drinking. Thankfully no withdrawals there.

Now I am back on medication. Being bipolar with anxiety, depression, ptsd and agoraphobia means that when I try to go it alone, bad things happen. And I do take pain pills for my chiari malformation. The difference this time is that I take exactly what is prescribed and not a thing more.

I am literally petrified to become who I used to be. I dont want my kids ever seeing me like that. I worry constantly about falling back on old ways. I dont want to sit in that dark room in my head ever again.

Now no one asked for this kind of information about me and Im sorry if it bothers anyone but it was something I needed to get off my chest. I was an addict but I beat that demon. And heres hoping that I keep beating all of my demons in every form they take.