When I look at my children, their innocence, the tender side who lives up to keep up for another generation, perhaps when you are too waisted and hopefully all your work pays off to see everything you believed is turning the curve you carved so hard, and for.
Their grow with more power, a language of Universal heart and power, perhaps something I had once in the pick of the wave, always waiting to take the wave up and surf with it, studied, worked its differences and holistically, with precipitations or with natural predictions, failing 9 thousand tries for a culmination and crescendo that eventually would brake down again. You knew it would, but you tried again and again till you got the piece of the puzzle which made its machinery work by it self, and modified it into a greater performance for detecting it's details, in all of us, as a greater machine. My kids will have that working place of a machine, and it wont be easy either, they have to be problem solvers, not problem makers. Non selfish, hard working with much time to relax and recover as well. Is not all action and sleeping as the world thinks. You can't think properly like this.
When people are giving their best and pushing beyond their measures to give it! And the group of people you are with don't bring any comparison, you all laugh together, cry too, mirror each other as one entity, the playground is as the work field and then, a greater generation is birth. This is not a tribe in Africa, or a group in the desserts, there are not trash collectors either, is in the work and trust on each other and if you never had that quality of people, at least you knew somehow they existed somewhere.
My children find that my heart still lives in them, I would really love to make the dinners and take care of their grandchildren how selfish and little heroic.
Everything I do is for them, all my travels, all my setbacks, my drive is for them. No one can see it. I'm not only a woman, the whom of a man, I'm a mother or a collective.
Today our home apartment in New York City, Black Widow was off duty, Mara Jade not here, Nike either, nor all Identifications had to use as a spy. All that exists right now sparks in their luminous view in me, as their mother, I was forbidden to tell them the cruel truth, people always watching, third parties controlling. My mind flipped with paranoia trying to know if my home was wired, if people listened to our conversations, in the park, if I had a bio sensor nano technology inserted under my skin? As I broad them home and the Government didn't trust my past, those wireless connectors could listen to my fragile heart too, if it was under a regular balance. I was even afraid to loose awareness of my breathing, who maintain my system under control.
Seating I held them both towards my heart, were a stable void palpitated and it seem impenetrable to touch its pain, a pain that with time became numb. Was I a woman who lost her privacy and personal affair, her human devotion as a provider. Who was I anyway? Holding their heads where I used to feed them both at the same time. Could remember the day they removed them away from me, my breast filled with milk exploded painfully as if they were reap off from my skin. Caressing their hairs, started to feel safe, then caressing the back of their spine. They are not mine, they each carry their own intelligence, and questions who will define their search in life.
"I never knew how far I would go, but I knew that I had to be alone and support your father. Not that I was with him really, it was not for him or for me, is something greater that unites us." I set Jai my girl, in my lap and surrounded my arm around Ben, my boy. Pressed them tight towards me for a few seconds. It was not an excuse to explain the raw feeling of separation. The connection was always there, the remembrance that we exist for them, that there is something mysterious out there they belong to and will grow to see.
The first rays showed up from the horizon now to the sun lowered in its set, the colours changing inside our room, the shadows dancing with out moving in the violent light and it's tenured pink who blends with fuchsia. You know it will last little and soon the night will take over, but this is the only moment to remain silence. I was initiating them into a hardcore meditation from the day the were inside my belly, apart from the worlds, spies came for my suggestion. I stopped my work for a few years. Everything was you, my children, happier and layers of separated that memory.
They could listen to my heart bit, the constant aggressions, the daily attacks I had to stand, the way my Psyche worked to play back with the same frequency and bring a turn of wisdom, a turn of change, a torn of betterment. My both children seat down under my arms just feeling, sensing through the vast silence the speechless words of their mother, with that constant courage and trust, the bond in our skins touching each other started to heal as if uniting information were a deep pain resides, an inhuman pain I belong to, it was a constant reminder of doing things better, palpitated strongly, it impulsed me, it had me on a higher feel.
Were are we heading. Maybe in the outer circle I was as an assassin, a Sith. Desolated without resources many times at the mids of missions, looking for somewhere to eat, my skills developed no hunger, the lost of appetite was a constant sensor who was cut off, unless I started to eat. Did miss the celebrate times we set on the table, after hours of elaborating our meal. This was my private wish.
That was not all that the Empire presented, in some areas of the Galaxy I had to walk without connectivity or currency of values who could be tracked. I had to manage my self alone without any resource or relation, in the dessert, eat worms and dry herbs. Sleep in old taverns with dozen of strangers, passing incognito from world to world. Danced in some Casino's and Palace's to get closer to my target, it was not all as in Tony Stark's building either, those multibillionaire meetings were I was invited to participate, conform a few days on Earth, or a longer season for the given mission. Did it help me to have you back? Was this the cause I was taken away from you? No. Maybe. I don't think so.
We had our home now and maybe I will be able to show who I'm to them in this coming years, if there was pain in my heart there is unlimited compassion, you have to reach a higher love to sustain such a pain, it blooms braking through and healing every aspect around, it cools you off so you continue. I could see how they was treat it, they were ultimately loved and abandoned because they knew they did not belong to them, my children know what true love is and I must be stronger then in million battles. "There are mistakes, mistakes you can't never arrange back, it brakes into pieces and as much as you wish, people are violent and miserable. Some wish to kill you, some run away, but who will fight till death unless is you there totally present saying aloud, this is my life! This is my world!"I couldn't explain them today how Bruce transformed and how his aggression and misleading became part of my rage, we knew in advance it was the only option, how necessarily it was to maintain our inner struggle to push all of us forward.
Kissing the forehead of my kids, because it has been years, nearly a decade that I haven't seen them, traveling back into the past seem not less for them, but they had the void in them, a void I can't catapult. Their mother is the Emissary of the Void, sometimes I felt as a stranger my self with the Avengers, as a spy, but you had to talk the tongue of the village. "True evil exists in good adults and children, it comes from the backdoor of anyone, it separates every human and particle, is like a dark dense ocean of black matter who sustains this Universe, defining one world from another, one nature from another, but the union exist through this matter and the separation too and we must go out there and find its source, its solution a solution that is seriously described for you, only for you. And for who are you and represent, even if it doesn't exist in the eyes of others yet. It exists through its dark matter."
Closed my eyes, if there was a solid form of presentation. I'd show them who this man is, he was not different from their biological father. Laughed internally. Many times I thought to be a soul, a soul using my body to do what I must, was not a person, being under orders, that was the program I was put through, work, work, be unemotional and do the work. Not for half a day as when you go to school, is the whole day and part of the night with no free day, you are given. I wanted to pay off anything that could bring me closer to the future that has become present.
Hugging my children after all this time, it seem as if my soul was hugging them for a long, long time. I don't have forgiveness in parts of me, there is an insolent stuck up person inside of me, filled with pride and negativity, Is a deep dark sensation because I work with it. I can easily detect and kill it, but that doesn't make me any better to hold pride, I must feel safe. Compassion is distant from stupidity after stupidity that has no content.
99% need entertainment and to be self absorbing, is a form of energy fuel where the average tune their energy to make it role, but it has no profound meaning to inspire a real action, a deep meaningful action. Most are copied movements as when Toddlers start to interact with adults. Then from that 1% you find people who are intrigued, but you can't help them, they don't really break through, you have to go to another world to find death and return humbler, more accepting that deep inside we are nothing but the old cliche of love. Then under your investigation and endless research, you find out of those 1% 100 more from them one has to be taken. Statistics started to show latter on, when statistics didn't exist to find heroes, mutants, super powerful people beyond the average line of humanity to make something greater. This world stood in a parallel line, where many worked too much as in Hell and others had a crazy checks and fell another Hell. Loki came as a saviour somehow to take over. To flip things upside down, to show us the hidden lies of the oppressors and true evil.
If I had a point of reference to direct towards a man, I would talk about him, but sincerely there was no one who called my name. I was working with this group of people on earth. As much I had seen the God Loki as an extraordinary brilliant phenomena, It wanted to take possession out of this world with unwanted methods. Its true that Loki is known in the North Myth as the Good of Good Humour and he has a Mask, a Mask who latter was used to make a movie with Jim Carrey called "The Mask" this ultimate power was taken from the Mythological Mask of Loki. How charming? Isn't it! He has a good sense of humour, a profound braking humour indeed, you had to get the twist to laugh your head off, and still feel unreasonable, tricked, reason would make you stop laughing, wanting to see him again and laugh, no matter he stabbed you with his daggers, took your money or killed innocent people to move forward. He was a God from another planet, a world even Thor was a stranger to understand.
Always lying to myself aware of this void and unaware existence, could confess about a person who touched me. "Some time ago, before you were born and during all this time I was connected to someone I felt special, he has lived around me, a constant presence. Not a friend, or enemy. Not a family or partner. I had never seen him really. But I always knew of him, he was and is on the other side. One day when we arrive for an ambush and the troops corralled him with his master, I got to see his face and body, standing there under the ship's light." My children observe carefully and listen from the mystery of their hearts as the night started to show and its starts begun to glimmer from another dimension. A Dimension who perhaps they felt watched over during all this time.
"There are people out there who might change your everything in a few seconds, without doing nothing in particular, well he was surrounded by riffle blasters. It was an inactive long moment where any option made no sense, an alter sense appeared before my eyes when I had seen this man. I still don't know what it's, is not hope or lost. Is authentic and pure. It made me change how I was marked from history and take one of the speedos, free him." In this moment the centre of my chest palpitated antic dosses of pain who were retained by the body as memory cells of poisons, frustration, agitating an impossible. General Hux lost his wife and was madden. As if braking through to stop another memory who was then uniting, if I could avoid this pain towards my children, the same pain I felt hugging my mother, and certainly how my mother felt in the hug of my grandmother.
If my children are listening to my rhythm, design by this pattern, expressing how it happens in correct manner so the information is handled to its end, this pattern would be stronger in the clueless spots of this Space.
We started to feel something totally ours with others in a higher dimension, with the difficulties, with the million triangles who shape the ships and stations. The material we all builded from past generations. I couldn't describe to my children who is this man.
I was alone have to do a final work, work double and triple again to have them peacefully without any more threats, safe. Today we are home in Manhattan, today I tell them stories and how they exist in them, tomorrow they will tell theirs to me, how they turn spectrums of ideas and valuable effort into reality, into the better world we had fight together for.
