CLAIRVOYANT PROTECTOR: “What did you expect?”
Ever since Andy first heard of the Warren’s world famous haunted museum as a kid, she dreamed of getting a peek inside. It took a few decades and a lot of convincing but today was finally the day. Lorraine Warren unlatched the last lock on the big wooden door with all the spooky warning signs and protections and she stepped into the museum first. Andy followed, an excited and toothy smile on her face, and when Lorraine flipped the light on the smile lost its elasticity and reformed into unimpressed lips.
“What did you expect?” Lorraine asked, seeing the disappointment on Andy’s face.
“I… uh… I don’t know,” Andy confessed. The room was smaller than she thought it would be and kind of cluttered. She had been warned not to touch anything but seeing as there wasn’t much room to walk around she wondered how she could manage to not accidentally bump into something. She kept her arms pressed to her chest. “It’s nice, honest… I guess I just thought that if you’re going to call something a museum… I don’t know, glass cases, maybe some plaques or something. This is really more of a haunted closet.”
The two women shared a pause and a couple of pairs of lingering eyes before they both broke and started to laugh. Andy didn’t really take a look around. They laughed on the way out of the room and went to have some tea.
NYCTOPHILIAC: “Who did this?”
“Who did this?” Raven asked from somewhere behind Andy. She couldn’t quite see where the young magic demon girl was because Andy was pretty preoccupied with the mirror.
“I did,” Andy said, “Technically.” Andy leaned over the sink and carefully applied some makeup over a bruise below her left eye. It stung when she touched it but she powered through it, swallowing down her winces and pain so she could clean herself up nice for the benefit she was meant to host at the shop, DejaVoodoo, later that night.
“Well, it was sort of me,” Andy continued. “It was sort of you too. Though not really. You see, I knew you’d be coming to the thing tonight so I moved some of the more annoying magical objects out of the shop. Sometimes the more haunted objects at the shop get temperamental around… demon girls. Again, no offense to you, I was just taking precautions. I didn’t know you were stopping at the house first though so when you walked in an enchanted cookie jar I was storing here flew off the shelf and… well, here we are.”
“How do I look?” Andy asked, turning around. Most of her black eye was covered up. “Don’t tell Claire. But seriously, let’s get going before something else gets angry and flies at my face.”
[B]UTCHER: “Why are we whispering?”
“Shhh,” Andy held a finger over her lips and talked in a hushed tone as she crept through the cemetery with James. “You’re being too loud.”
“Why are we whispering?” James whisper-shouted back.
“Are you kidding me?” Andy twisted her face up with frustration and panic, annoyed that she had to explain this to a slayer as experienced as James. “We are sneaking into the lair of a Zombie God, a lair on the other end of this graveyard. Do you know what a graveyard is? It’s a place full of dead people. Do you know what dead people are when they’re around a Zombie God? They’re not dead people… they’re just sleeping!”
Even though she kept her voice to a whisper, the whisper-shouting was too much. The ground shook some as the dead started to wake. Corpses crawled through the dirt and grass, yawning and stretching and looking for breakfast.
Andy sighed. “F***. You brought an ax or something, right? We’re going to need it.”
CLAIRE: “What’s that smell?”
Claire’s nose was twitching before she said anything. Andy always noticed the twitch first. Her wife stood at the edge of their backyard, on the other side of the fence, with her hands on her hips and her head raised high as she caught the scent of something in the forest ahead of them. By the looks of it, it wasn’t a pleasant stench.
“What’s that smell?” Claire asked.
“I don’t smell anything,” Andy admitted. “But I don’t got a nose like yours, Legs. Let’s follow it and see where it takes us, Toucan Sam.”
They walked through the woods for ten minutes before stopping between two trees. Claire pointed to the ground, a patch of earth that didn’t have any grass growing on top of it, and she was adamant that the smell was coming from there.
“Uh oh,” Andy said, and before Claire could get too concerned she quickly explained, adding, “Remember when the twins were still babies and we got our first visit from Chucky in Texas? Well…”
Fifteen minutes later they were back at the spot with shovels. It didn’t take much digging for them to find the rotting remains of a Chucky doll that Andy buried there more than six months ago. It was a toxic mix of plastic and rotting flesh and now that it was exposed to the world Andy could smell what Claire was smelling. She covered her nose with her shirt and looked away.
“Yeah, this one’s my bad. Let’s… let’s burn it or something,” Andy gagged. “F***, this is gross. Let’s burn it.”
CODE RED: “What was that noise?”
Standing behind the front counter of DejaVoodoo, Andy put on a friendly smiling face for the redheaded customer who stopped in and had a sh*t ton of questions to ask about the day-to-day of running an occult shop in the heart of Texas. Andy was happy to answer any and all questions, making sure that the smile never left her face, for this wasn’t just any customer… no, this was an Avenger. She had no idea why an Avenger was at her store, but she wasn’t about to ruin this by not smiling.
The Avenger was midway through asking another question when something growled from the storage room behind Andy.
“What was that noise?” Natasha asked.
“It was nothing,” Andy kept the smile on her face. “Oh, wait, did you mean that noise? The one that sort of went Gwraaawlll, that one? Oh that’s… yeah, that’s nothing.”
The growl repeated itself. Andy kept smiling.
“Absolutely nothing,” she repeated. “Actually, it’s kind of not nothing, but it’s not like an Avengers level thing so to you it’s probably a nothing.”
The noise happened again.
“I mean, while you’re here if you want to help out… it’s really nothing but this nothing has sharp teeth and claws like swords, you didn’t happen to bring the Hulk with you, did you?” she looked around her, and she punctuated it all by refueling her smile.
AVERY: “Have you tried it?”
“Have you tried it?” Avery asked as the two of them sat at the counter, squinting down at a mess on a plate that little Karen called ‘Magic Pizza’. Andy’s lips pursed into a frown and her eyes were two slits, like the sight of the monstrosity on the plate threatened to make her cry. Karen was so proud of her magic pizza, a dinner she made for everyone in the family, and the idea of the little one making dinner for everyone was adorable and cute, but staring down at it, Andy wasn’t sure if she should take a bite or drive a stake through its heart.
Magic Pizza consisted off cold pizza crust with more or less whatever Karen could find in the fridge at the time. There was a coating of chocolate syrup as a base, and the dish sported a series of toppings like pickle spears, Dorito dust, Pop Tarts, and something that looked like Twizzlers.
“She’s going to be back any minute,” Andy said, her voice flat. “I… I don’t know what to do. I always thought of myself as a good parent but if I put that thing in my mouth I’m going to have to go find some traffic to run into.”
Andy slid the Magic Pizza closer to Avery. “She made it for you, maybe you should try it first.”
BLACK WIDOW AND HARBINGER OF DEATH: “What am I supposed to do with this?” (You both chose the same quote so you’re getting a crossover)
“What am I supposed to do with this?” Both Luna and Andy’s detective Valkyrie friend Tamisin said at the same time when Andy handed each of them a chainsaw.
“Look,” Andy sighed. She was already coated in blood and tired and had no energy to explain herself anymore. She paced on the other side of the barn and dropped her own chainsaw down on a workbench with a loud thud, and grabbed a container of gasoline to fill it up. “I really don’t have the time, energy, and/or patience to go through what a Deadite is. All you need to know is this; deadites are evil and deadites are out there. You want to survive tonight, you rev up those bad boys in your arms and you dismember everything that moves on the other side of that door, do you understand?”
Gasoline spilled everywhere. Andy didn’t seem to mind. She screwed on the gas cap of her chainsaw and spun around. “You’re either ready now or you’re already dead. That’s how this goes. Just follow my lead.” She pulled back the cord and the teeth spun up, spinning the chainsaw to life. “I vote ready now. Let’s go kick some ass.”
MORNINGSTAR: “How long will it take?”
The seat that Lucifer sat Andy in across from his desk squeaked every time Andy shifted ever so slightly, which meant it was squeaking a lot because Andy fidgeted tons whenever she was sat down at a business meeting, and she fidgeted even more when said business meeting was with the devil. She cleared her throat to try and mask the latest squeak when she shifted her weight over to her left side, and she kept focus on Lucifer and the conversation at hand.
“How long will it take?” Lucifer asked.
“I’m not sure that’s an easy question to answer,” Andy said. “My shop isn’t really in the business of tracking down personal items. DejaVoodoo is like an antique store for supernatural stuff, things come to us, and when we go out searching for something it’s usually not very specific.”
Lucifer had contacted Andy looking for a specific item, hoping it would be something that could be found at her shop. It wasn’t something she currently possessed, but that didn’t mean it was an impossible get. The amount of money Lucifer was offering was enough to hold her interest but it was more his endorsement of the store that she was after. If she could get the Devil talking about how great her store was it would be a boom for business.
“I’m not saying it can’t be done,” she held up her hand to emphasize her point, “All I’m saying is we can’t put a deadline on this. “You’re asking me to find you the skull of a dead god… that’s going to take some time. It might take a lot of time, actually, but if anyone can find it for you,” she hitched a thumb toward herself, “It’s Andy Stoddard-Barclay.”
SPOOKYF***ER: “Says Who?”
“Says who?” Ruairi barked.
“Says me!” Andy shouted back. Ruairi had been doing some occasional business with DejaVoodoo on and off for a while not, but the two of them never quite got along. Andy always suspected that the things Ruairi bought from Andy were probably used for nefarious and dubious purposes, and she certainly didn’t have faith that the items he traded to her were acquired in a wholesome way either. Most of their interactions ended in bickering, though this argument had a little more fire to it.
“Look, I had enough of this,” Andy dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “I don’t know what sort of demonic sh*t you’re up to this time but I’m out. I’m not overlooking this sh*t anymore, bud, it’s done. You want to cause mischief and mayhem you can go and do it yourself, you’re not going to have me playing patsy to your sh*t anymore. Go on, get, get out of my shop, don’t make me exorcise you. Seriously, you’re gone.”
